Are you surprised that this is where I ended up? Let’s proceed to the next chapter of my story. The Single Saga. The Single Games. Yeah, you’re right, I don’t see a book deal coming my way, either.
The first couple of days post-breakup, you get to give yourself credit for really small accomplishments. Am I wearing one of every kind of clothing and two shoes? Nice! Have I eaten the appropriate number of meals so far today? Way to go! Did I take a shower? Probably not, but I’m 90% sure I brushed my teeth. Go me!
The day after your breakup is a lot like your birthday, only even more of your friends call you. They text constantly to tell you how beautiful you are and how much they love you. It’s really sweet, until you realize they’re really just checking in to make sure you’re still breathing and haven’t done anything crazy… yet.
They tell you you’ll want ice cream. Fuck ice cream, I wanted a footlong from Subway.
Since we last talked, I became single, wallowed, became empowered again, and joined OkCupid. To say I have material to share with you would be an understatement. Not for the faint of heart. Unless the faint of heart have a great sense of humor. I often think they get a bad rap.
My office started giving us free soda… and ever since I’ve been billing upwards of 12 hours a day. Talk about perks that pay off. (Get it, perks? Oh yeah, I’m back.)
Thank you for helping Modern American Woman reach 1,000 page views! I don’t care if Google Analytics says that it’s only actually 376 different people, or that half of those are probably virus-ridden internet-bots. They’re virus-ridden internet-bots who like my blog enough to visit it for almost four seconds each, and that touches me.
It isn’t more than about one day a year that a man asks me for my phone number. That day was today, and that man was wearing a trash bag on his head.
My stage fright is so paralyzing that my coworker has to stand up and perform “Summer of ‘69” along with me. My hands sweat so badly I’m afraid to give the microphone back.
I grudgingly agree to perform karaoke. My rendition of “I Love Rock and Roll” (not stolen from the seminal film classic Crossroads starring Britney Spears… ok, yeah, straight out of Crossroads) is so kick ass that Usher, in disguise in the crowd, reveals his true identity in front of everyone and takes me on as his next protege.
